Cheers to Love, that i despise!

Hi peeps. I'm back again. Guess what, I told the BOY. That I once loved him for 5-7 years. At exactly 12 midnight, 2nd of april 2008. The previous night, I saw him outside, while I was heading home while talking to my best friend.It struck me that I should tell him. He walked too fast, for me to catch up. So figured a phone call would be my next option.

Before, I even told him, my heart was thumping so fast I thought I was going to collapse. I collected every strength as possible as I can and I told him. Finally after all these years. I know he must be wondering why now. I figured if not now then when? I don’t love him now. He is just another chapter in my life. I constantly repeated to him that I need to let go off you. I need to, so that I will never regret loving you these years and wasted it. Although, he did mentioned whether it was an April fools joke. I'm shacking my head literally and telling myself are you kidding me. For Christ sake, Not now. Oh no, not now!!!

He then added I'm not a good guy. Hello, it does not matter to me anymore. I told him I found someone else. Silence for at least 10 seconds. Before he replied, I'm happy for you. “Thank you!” I said sincerely. When I asked “did you love me? Ever?” I told him about that incident when Samantha came running towards me, screaming to an empty canteen and to that innocent gullible girl “He loves you!” She smiled with hope. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell that little girl that don't fall into the trap. That there is no such thing as love. I was ridiculously stupid.

THE BOY was trying to reason out to me. I told him, tell me straight yes or no. “No” he replied. My heart leaped with joy. I felt so relieved. Although, when I thought about it for a minute because of sam, I wasted all those years of loving someone who will never love me back. I was stupid I guess. I don't blame her. Blame childishness.

The point here is, I finally told him. I never felt this relieved so far. This will be unforgettable feeling. The feeling of being new and fresh. Neither am I single right now. And I should be happy that he can’t have such a wonderful person like myself to be with him. Screw him!! Screw men!! Haha. Singlehood still rocks.

Then came my Boyfriend. My best friend. He understood me more than any guy that I know of. He is mischievous, so hilarious. I laugh so much till my stomach aches. When I’m with him all those problems back at home becomes invisible for that whole hour that I spent with him. He shares the same passion as me. Acting and dancing. He has his own grooves. You should check it out!

Satya, my best friend. I never was attracted to him like he did on me. He told me a few times. “I saw you across the room, fiddling with your handphone. I have never seen a beautiful girl like you.Until that day when i laid my eyes on you.” Well, COW, I was trying to avoid in making eye contact with anyone there in the room.Handphone was the only excuse.

For the first sight. although, I found him handsome, quite good looking. I remembered observing some girls were really paying close attention on him. While I was oblivious, that he had a close eye on me. Even after the beach, when I was helping my friend, who is in love with him, to get them together. Unknowingly, that he is on me. Shit.

A friend asked me so what do you define this relationship you have with satya? I looked at her, confused but thought deeply! His my best friend what more can I ask for? Then she asked, “But do you love him?” I looked at her. With fear In my heart. “does liking him a lot, count?” My eyebrows raised.

“Leasha, for christ sake please look at yourself. You are scared of falling in love!” IM NOT!!I just don’t want to fall in love. I still crave to be back to being single. He loves me a lot. But I just need time to understand. After all, we both ,Well I think that its not going to last. (PS Please don’t be mad with me when you read this. Im trying hard. Im beginning to). This is called dating. She then argued. Then why are you still with him? I replied, “ how was your day today at home?” An excuse to avoid further interrogation. I don’t blame her. She is just concerned.

OH alright, I admit im trying to run away from reality. God, why does this love keep running after me like a mutating virus. When I keep trying to avoid it keeps…..OH god!!! Light help me!

I just want to concentrate on my acting and my life as a single free individual. I saw his friendster profile, he was standing next to a beautiful girl.When I asked him. “Close friend.” Oh god, I cant believe for the first time, I felt so jealous. I’m sorry! I cant be jealous!Why am I jealous. After all im not in love with him. I’m supposed to be having fun like all the other young adults do. Not to take things so seriously. I gave him the authority to love someone else or date some else if he wants to. While dating me.I mean which girl friend does that? I'm disgusting. Why am I feeling like that?

I hate this word LOVE!!! For a long time, I despise it. I kept asking GOD, light that why me!!I would rather feel a character’s love for her guy in a drama or movie, than in reality. Then again, if you don’t feel it in reality how Is it possible for you to understand your character’s emotions? Precisely.

He is too good. I know satya for nearly 2 years. I might know what are his faults. Sooner enough, I will. Maybe he is a bad guy? Played a bet with someone else, that if you get to love this girl and dump her soon enough, you win the bet. I dunno. Damn those brilliant love movie screenplay writers. Ok Leasha, what the hell are you trying to do. I mean, all guys are assholes. Jerks. He must be like the other guys.NO HE IS NOT!! Maybe he is just hiding it. A womanizer. NO!! He claims he is not a smoker or drinker but he just doesn’t want to admit. Oh come on leasha, you didn’t even kiss him so how would you know. Oh Alright!

Stop it with the excuses. I'm giving a hard sigh. And completing my today’s update. I guess I have to admit I am afraid.Although, I’m not good enough for him. He deserves better.Coming april the 9th, is our 4th month.Almost seem a decade. I give a half smile.

I guess after all I will never understand what love is.

So peeps, I'll say it again. It almost seems this can become my punch line." All those who claim that love completes them, are the ultimate fools." Good night.